


This Emptiness Persists

by flannelfeelings



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergent, Canon Universe, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Missing Scene, Post-Canon, Spoilers, Supernatural S15 E18, Supernatural S15 E18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:01:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27486190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flannelfeelings/pseuds/flannelfeelings
Summary: The moments that followed Castiel's declaration of love and subsequent death.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 54





	This Emptiness Persists

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sure I'm not alone here in my utter and complete shock at this most recent episode. I mean, WOW. Canon destiel something I NEVER expected. I've been in the fandom for nearly 14 years and genuinely never expected this.  
> Well, here's how I wish things would go coming up. I know better than to get my hopes up lol
> 
> (Pls be nice I haven’t written these guys in a long while , it’s an unbeta’d mess)
> 
> I hope you enjoy! Thanks for reading

The scuffle of workboots on the cement floor and squeaking of latches wasn’t enough to break Dean out of his trance. Through the halls of the bunker, two concerned voices drifted across the air.

“Dean? Cas?”

It was a voice Dean would recognize anywhere. It was Sammy of course, his little brother.

_You raised your little brother...for love…_

_Everything you’ve ever done was for love…_

_Love_

Dean still hadn’t pulled his trembling, tear-soaked face from his clammy palms. He could feel a deep, swirling nausea pooling in his gut as his shoulders heaved with whining sobs. His throat felt raw and dry, eyes burning from the sting of hot tears.

“Dean?” the voice was closer than ever now, and Dean managed to drag his head up to stare at the two worried faces in front of him.

Sam stood tall and strong, though the concern and upset etched into his expression did not bode well for the success of their endeavor. Jack stood next to him, looking so young and afraid and small in comparison.

For half a second, Dean was angry at Jack. None of this would have happened if he’d never-

But he got over that quickly. None of this was Jack’s fault. He hadn’t asked for any of it. Dean’s chest felt empty enough without adding another person to be upset with.

“Dean, where’s-”

Dean cut Sam off before he could finish speaking, “He’s gone, Sam.”

“Gone?” Sam asked, perplexed. His brows furrowed, eyes widening as he glanced around the destroyed room, “You mean, Death…?”

“No, she didn’t.” a shudder ran through Dean’s body, “She’s gone too though.”

“The empty.” Jack’s voice was low, realization seeping into his tone.

Dean met his eyes, and nodded once.

“You knew?” Dean asked quietly.

Jack chewed on his lower lip briefly, letting out a small, shaky breath, “So, he’s...gone? For good…?”

“What’s going on?” Sam demanded, still completely out of the loop, “The empty took Cas? Why?”

Dean’s jaw clenched, but he didn’t reply, choosing instead to stare at the neatly folded laces of Sam’s boots. He was reminded for some reason of when they were kids and Dean had to teach him how to tie his shoes so he wasn’t tripping over them every half a step. Sammy picked it up quickly, he was always the smart one out of the two of them.

“Castiel made a deal to save me.” Jack explained, voice slowly growing less stable as the reality of the situation started to dawn on him, “When he felt a moment of true...true happiness, the empty would take him. Forever.”

Sam’s face screwed up in confusion and upset, “What the hell could he have to be happy about right now?! He can’t be gone!”

“He’s gone.” Dean replied sharply, cooly, “Trust me. He’s gone.”

Sam ran a hand through his hair tensely. His jaw clenched, then unclenched, nostrils flaring as he shook his head with disbelief.

“What was it, Dean?” Jack asked suddenly, turning to meet his eyes again.

“What?” Dean demanded.

“What was his true happiness?” There was a look in Jack’s eyes, like maybe he already knew the answer. Sam eyed Dean cautiously, as if he were afraid to find out.

_True happiness isn’t just in the having...it’s in the being...saying it_

_I love you_

“How the hell should I know?” Dean growled, rising to his feet unsteadily. His knees betrayed him and he stumbled forward, feeling Sam grasp his bicep with vice-tight fingers.

“Dean?” Sam’s voice was soft and gentle.

Dean could feel his hazel eyes boring into the side of Dean’s head in that tender, concerned way he did when something terrible happened and he knew Dean wasn’t going to talk about it. He felt like the ground was going to collapse beneath his feet.

“Let go of me.” Dean said to Sam.

“Hey,” Sam shook his head, “Listen to me...everyone else is gone, okay? We’re all we have right now. Talk to me. We deserve to know what happened to him.”

Dean froze, turning to meet Sam’s eyes, “Everyone else?”

Sam winced, as if he’d said something he shouldn’t have, “That-”

“Everyone _else_?” Dean demanded, “Charlie-”

“They’re gone.” Jack interrupted, lowering his eyes to the ground, “Everyone...we haven’t seen a person for miles. Everyone disappeared. It wasn’t Billie killing people. It was Chuck the whole time.”

Dean’s entire body was stiff, rigid, “I know.” He replied quietly, “So...he really got everyone?”

Sam nodded, brows furrowing as he blinked rapidly, “Yeah. Looks that way.”

Before Dean could reply, a small, wet sniffle could be heard to the right. Sam and Dean both looked over and realized Jack had started to cry. His shoulders were trembling and he was covering his face with his hands, though the emotion was palpable in his pained cries.

“Oh, Jack.” Sam released Dean’s arm and closed the distance to pull Jack into an embrace. Jack kept his arms up over his own face and buried himself in Sam’s side, his cries somewhat muffled by the flannel of Sam’s shirt.

“This is all my fault,” Jack’s voice was barely coherent, “Everyone’s dead because of me. Cas-”

“Stop it.” Sam cut him off, “Everyone is...temporarily gone, because of Chuck. Castiel’s choice is not your fault, Jack. He knew what he was agreeing to when he made the deal. He would’ve done anything for you.”

_I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, I cared about the whole world...because of you_

Dean shook his head, trying to forget the sound of Castiel’s wobbly voice as he’d delivered his final words.

“I need to-” Dean wasn’t even sure what excuse he was trying to come up with, so he just pushed past them and walked out into the hall. Sam was still comforting Jack when Dean disappeared up the stairs.

Dean’s legs were working faster than his brain at the moment. They pushed him through the hall, up the stairs, into the foyer of the bunker. He stared at the map table, at the entry to the kitchen, the squeaky wooden floors.

If he closed his eyes, he could feel Cas brushing up against his arm to walk past him toward the map table. He could hear the rasp in his voice as he argued with Dean about a ham-fisted plan.

I _know how you see yourself Dean_

Dean felt as though the air in his lungs had been sucked out with a vacuum. He keeled forward, gripping the back of a chair for stability. His knuckles turned white as he struggled to catch his breath.

_You are the most caring man on Earth. You’re the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know_

He broke again then, feeling the gasps and shuddering breaths wheeze out of his throat as his legs gave way. His knees hit the floor, though he still gripped the back of the chair, face falling into the leather as the ability to breathe quickly receded.

_I love you_

Just as Dean was about to give in and collapse in a ball on the floor, he felt arms gripping him. He was being pulled against Sam’s chest, he could tell from the scratch of flannel and the familiar smell of aftershave.

“Give us a minute please.” Sam was saying, but not to Dean. Footsteps retreated quickly down the hall.

“Hey, hey.” Sam was murmuring quietly to Dean, who desperately fought to catch his breath and not appear so pathetic, “Hey, Dean. Come back to Earth, okay?”

Dean’s fingers closed around the fabric of Sam’s jacket, which grounded him a little. He forced himself to breathe a little more evenly, blinking quickly as he somewhat came down to the ground. Once he was more coherent, he shoved Sam off of him, falling to his ass on the floor.

“What happened?” Sam demanded, “C’mon Dean, I lost him too.”

“I screwed up, Sammy.” Dean’s voice was monotone, almost as if he were afraid putting too much tenor in it would make this all real.

“What?” Sam asked, brows pulling together even closer with concern.

“Cas’ true happiness….” a visible shudder ran down Dean’s spine as he swallowed hard and spit the words out, “He...told me…” he wasn’t sure if he could even finish the sentence.

“He loved you.” Sam’s voice was quiet, though there was a small note of understanding in it, “He loved you, didn’t he Dean?”

Dean turned sharply to Sam, surprise visible in his expression, “How did you-”

“You’re the only one who didn’t know.” Sam replied softly.

“He told you?” Dean demanded, emotion rising in his voice.

“No, not really.” Sam shrugged, “He didn’t have to though. I mean...anyone could tell, just from watching you two.”

_You changed me Dean…_

“Well that’s a kick in the crotch.” Dean said stupidly.

Sam let out a small, breathless chuckle. He shook his head, seemed to debate something quietly, then spoke again, “So that was his true happiness huh? Telling you he loved you?”

“Doesn’t make sense to me either.” Dean replied with a disdainful expression.

_You’re destructive and you’re angry and you’re broken_

_You’re daddy’s blunt instrument, you think that hate and anger is what drives you_

_It’s not_

“Dean,” Sam said quietly, “I have to ask, did you…”

Dean’s gaze cut to him coldly, eyes narrowing, “What?”

“Well...did you...love him back?”

Though he knew it was coming, the question still felt like a swift punch in the throat. Dean swallowed hard, eyes closing as he tried to figure out exactly how to answer that question.

 _Of course I love him,_ he wanted to reply, _you know everything, right? Wasn’t it just as obvious that I loved him too?_

But maybe it wasn’t. Maybe all the time Dean spent trying to make sure Cas never knew how he felt really worked after all. Maybe all the cold, unforgiving asides and dismissals really hid how he felt. Maybe his fear of Cas finding out how he felt and it ruining their friendship was stronger than any ability to actually show his true emotions.

Maybe Cas really died thinking his love was unreciprocated.

Instead of answering, Dean felt a hitch in his throat. He pressed his fingers into his eyes and let out a slow, shaky breath, trying to keep control of his emotions.

He was really gone. He was gone forever. He’d confessed his love for Dean, something the green-eyed man had imagined most nights as he fell into restless sleeps.

And Dean had just sat there like an idiot, so unbelievably shocked and overwhelmed that he didn’t quite know how to articulate what it was he felt.

“Sam,” Dean’s voice was a low, hushed whisper, “When all of this is over, when Chuck finally wipes us off the face of the Earth for good...where do you think we’re gonna go?”

“That won’t happen, Dean.” Sam’s reply was stern, “We’re gonna get everyone back, we can still fix-”

“It’s over, man.” Dean shook his head, “Everyone is gone, Cas is gone, and I’ll never get the chance to…” his sentence trailed off, and he rubbed his eyes once more.

“It isn’t over.” Sam responded, though there was a small hint of doubt in his tone, “Because if we stop fighting now...then he died for no reason. And I know you won’t let the man you love die for nothing.”

Dean’s head snapped up sharply at that, and he met Sam’s eyes. Sam didn’t break the gaze, looking at Dean with an expression that said, _who do you think you’re fooling?_

“Sam-” Dean started, but his brother quickly cut him off.

“You don’t have to explain yourself.” Sam insisted, “I’ve known for a long time, Dean. Whether or not you even knew it yourself, you and Cas have always had something special.”

“I just stood there, Sam.” Dean couldn’t tear his eyes away from his shoes, “I just _stood_ there like an asshole while he poured his heart out, and he-he just died and I didn't even get to...I didn’t-” he stopped short, unsure of how to even finish that sentence.

“I think he knew.” Sam’s voice was low, but assured, “I think you’d have to be pretty blind not to see the way you looked at him.”

_I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, what my true happiness could even look like_

_The one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have_

“He didn’t know.” Dean replied shortly.

Sam was quiet for a moment, seeming unsure of how to respond. Dean knew he was unloading an impossible burden on his brother, a problem with no solution, a wound with no salve. A death with no resurrection, suffering with no relief. A love story with no ending.

“Then we’re gonna fight like Hell.” Sam said, “And we’re gonna figure out a way to get him back. And then, you’re gonna tell him.”

Dean shook his head, nostrils flaring as he struggled to keep the emotion from tiding over, “He’s in the empty, Sam. It’s the three of us against God. The entire population is gone. There ain’t no winning anymore. Who even knows if any of it was real to begin with.”

“Do you remember what Chuck said to Castiel?” Sam crossed his arms the way he always did when he was trying to get a point through Dean’s thick skull, “He said Cas never listened, never did what he was told. Cas was supposed to drag you out of hell, and be done with you so you could stop the apocalypse.”

Dean swallowed hard, not meeting his brother’s eyes.

“Everything he did, every choice he made, was because he was falling in love with you.” Sam continued, “To him, you were worth rebelling for. Don’t tell me it wasn’t real.”

_Ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me_

“We’ve faced plenty of insurmountable odds before.” Sam said, “We’re not going to let this take us down when there’s so much left to do.”

“I don’t know how to face it like this.” Dean admitted quietly, “Not when I know he lov- not when I know what I know. Not alone.”

“You aren’t alone.”

Sam and Dean both turned and saw Jack standing in the entryway, expression solemn.

“You were listening?” Dean’s voice turned cold and angry.

“No.” Jack promised, “I just...wanted to come make sure you were okay. Don’t give up now, okay? I’ve gotten out of the empty before. It’s not impossible.”

“Right,” Dean said sourly, “We’ve just got to kill God, bring everyone else back from the dead, and then somehow get to the empty and convince it to release Cas.”

Jack shrugged, “What do we have to lose?”

_You fought for this whole world, for love._

“What do we have to lose?” Sam echoed, looking to Dean expectantly.

Dean sighed heavily, shoulders sagging as he attempted to process everything he’d just been through. Even though each breath felt like it took the effort of dragging a chariot full of cement bricks, he knew that they were right. At this point, he’d already lost almost everything that meant anything to him. What did they have to lose? Cas wouldn’t die for nothing, not if he had any say in it.

The man he loved would not die in vain.

“What do we do next?” Dean asked in a breathless voice.

Sam patted his shoulder and sighed, glancing between Jack and Dean before he said, “Let’s hit the books. I bet Rowena’s got something we can use.”

“I’ll get started.” Jack nodded and turned on his feet, disappearing down the hall toward the library. Sam and Dean both got to their feet, glancing at each other silently before following in Jack’s direction.

“Hey, Dean?” Sam stopped him about halfway, grabbing his arm to halt his movements.

“What?” Dean inquired, hesitant to meet his eyes.

“When we get him back,” Sam began, “Just...make sure you tell him, okay? I know you’re afraid. I get it. But putting yourself out there and risking being vulnerable has got to be better than the way you’re feeling right now. Just make sure you tell him whatever it is you need to tell him.”

Sam nodded at him once and kept walking, leaving Dean standing in the hall, a little unsure of what to say. Dean leaned against the wall, inhaling slowly as his eyes closed.

_I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition_

_Dean and I do share a more...profound bond_

_I see inside you, I see your guilt, your anger, confusion_

_You don’t have to be ruled by fate, you can choose freedom. I still believe that’s something worth fighting for_

_You changed me_

_I love you_

Dean swallowed hard, lifting his chin slightly. Sam was right. If Dean could help it, they were gonna take Chuck down. Dean was gonna see Cas again, one way or another. He needed to know that it wasn’t one-sided. He needed to know. It was real. All of it. 

_I love you too, Cas._ Dean thought to himself, _I’ll see you soon._


End file.
